It the mask fals. In the early days, when we lived far away from my friends and family, he was more physical- damaging furniture etc- and every so often over the years his aggression did erupt- but often he would use the tactics you describe of your partner, the emotional coldness, humiliation, making fun- all passive aggressive and indirect clues as to the horrible feelings within.
My ex ended up isolating himself too. I am so sorry for your experience, and hope you will find a way out of it. These people are truly evil. Although this is an older post, everything in life happens for a reason.
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I think perhaps you're reflecting your own insecurities and prejudices on others. Kim, if you're not getting replies, you simply aren't attractive.
I'm not being mean just being real. Don't kid yourself for the sake of saving your ego. I agree with you, Kim. It's the men who are delusional. I'm an average looking 35, slim but not gorgeous woman and I've had terrible luck online. Men DO assume that women have it made on dating sites, and we can just sit back and let the decent messages roll in.